A Tribute

December was more then I could bear. It was a tough month and one that I could have lived without. For all I care, it could be erased off of the 2010 calendar. If that was possible, then a friend would still be living and my uncle-in-law would have woken up from his nap. I wish erasing months could happen.


Tragedy isn't something that I'm familiar with. I'm not sure if that is a blessing or unfortunate, since I don't know how to respond to its presence. But, it showed up unannounced, uninvited and ready to be confronted (I must mention that I don't like confrontation either).


During December, my emotions spilled out everywhere leaving a sappy mess all over the kitchen floor. Sadness laid its black ugly spot but all of the mops that I used could not clean up its stain. All of my creative juices turned sour and my rationality was diluted. I was a mess.


But somehow - amidst all of the grief - I managed to reflect on what makes a man great; the things that make people say, "Gee, what a nice guy, it shouldn't have happened to him." For the two men I knew, they had many. But for my friend, I couldn't stop thinking about how well he loved. He had an amazing ability to look beyond a stereotype and love anyway, taking judgment away. I admired this about him because, I've always been terrible at it.


So, in his honor, I've been working hard to rid myself of judgment. It's not easy, but I'm doing it. Not judging somebody or thinking I've got things all figured out feels really good. I highly recommend it.


In my quest to end judgment on others however, I've stumbled across something else worth mentioning. This something else has - unfortunately - dictated my life. Because of it, I've closed open doors and have said no to attainable dreams. I've tolerated its constant nagging to the point that I believed it was real. I clench my teeth realizing that I've been under its control. So, I'll tell you - that when I took away judgment on others - the sky opened up and rays of sun shone down allowing me to see that this whole time, I've been judging myself. Its sad that I've cowered and kept my tail between my legs for 29 years, but I guess there's redemption in understanding it now. That is at least, what I envision any wise senior citizen telling me.


Now I can say with sincerity that it wasn't my 4th grade teacher with the fuzzy mole on her nose telling me I couldn't live my dreams, it was I. The forces of judgment kept me stooped down, knee-bent in a corner unable to peak out behind it. But now, all of that will change.


I've practiced taking that big hairy cloud of self-judgment off my shoulders and I'm somewhat amazed at what I've found. There's a lot of love in there and a lot more spunk too. Some might say those are my true colors (isn't there a song about that?). Whatever it is, I like it.


My friend would be happy for me - that's just the type of guy he was. I think there is something to be said for someone who is still affecting lives, even after he's passed on.